Negatives and positives, the one we feed might make us who we are.

Positives seem to have more advantages.

ANIMOSITY AND ITS CONSEQUENCES - Anonymous.

My attempt at writing this article takes place minutes after I heard
that my long time  friend Patricia passed on, after a long struggle
with cancer. During her last years of life, we exchanged lengthy emails about her
illness and my health issues.
Patricia’s deepest regret after she passes on, is not living long enough to
see her children and grandchildren grow up and to be with them for at least
part of their older life. It is with deep sorry for my friend, that I write about ANIMOSITY AND ITS CONSEQUENCES, as it relates to  families and friends.

Patricia not being able to live a long life with her children and
grandchildren has supported my long belief that : Those of us in reasonable
good health don't take the opportunity to heal relationships, when
we might have the ability to do so.  While others with critical illness, who
would like to live longer with their families, don't have the same choice.

Animosity is one of the most common forms of dislike in relationships. When
relating to families, the consequences could be severe if not resolved.
Animosity caused by sibling reverie in childhood years would seem silly to
be taken to adulthood, but many tarnished by dislike as children, continue
to do so as adults.
Sometimes miscommunication could cause animosity, where a person of
influence in a family tells a one-sided story to children and relationship
is broken, with a spouse or other siblings.
This also seems to be a common occurrence with relatives and friends, where
information is not verified and a rumour can be so intense, that one person
believes it and hold it against another, sometimes for a lifetime.
Animosity between families, relatives and friends can sometimes last
decades, or a lifetime. The wound, true or false, can be so deeply perceived
that all communication is broken and no one takes the initiative with the
first word, to seek forgiveness.
Personality conflicts in families can also occur, but can easily be resolved
with  sincere communication and understanding.

FORGIVENESS IS AN ACTION

Without forgiveness, there is seldom resolve from animosity. Sometimes a
person would say they forgive, but their attitude is not followed by a
harmonious action. Forgiveness without action for healing to take place is not a true
act of contrition. Some of us in our religious belief tend to live secular
lives, when we are not in a place of worship.
Lack of healing from animosity can have serious consequences in our
families. Nothing can change our relationships as sisters, brothers, mothers
and fathers. If the other person passes on before forgiveness is sought, the
guilt can result in severe consequences.

There are cases where sisters and brothers who were once best friends, broke
their relationship, because of a simple disagreement. When one person
passes on with no forgiveness taking place, the other feeling guilty, could
experience deep depression and could eventually die from a heart attack, or
other forms of depression, including suicide.

FAMILY AVOIDANCE.

In some cases parents [and siblings] are not invited to children’s wedding.
If the parent becomes very sick and passes on, the child feeling guilty
might cause depression and tremendous upset in their own family, when they
realized the severe mistake they made and the deep hurt they caused their
parents.

As an example, when a young couple was visiting her mother and third husband
during a special event in their town where most of the hotel rooms were
taken, the couple was asked to leave in order to accommodate the husband’s
unannounced relatives. In desperation to find accommodation the younger wife
said, “Let me see if we can stay at my father’s place”, to which her husband
asked surprisingly ”You have a Dad ! Where was he when we got married ?”.
She replied “My mother and grandma did not want him there.”
He was an old man living alone, whose fault was to discover his wife with
another man in their isolated farming home.
This avoidance reoccurred decades after the young couple was divorced and at
their daughter’s wedding, her father was not invited and have not seen their
grandchildren.
Unless this cycle of avoidance is broken in a family, it might continue to
cause animosity as the norm for future generations.
“It might help to keep in mind that a parent whose relationship with you
requires that you marginalize the other parent is not showing love. He or
she is showing selfishness”.

When grandchildren are withheld from grandparents due to animosity by the
parents, the children are placed at a great disadvantage and loses a
critical part of their childhood. When the child becomes an adult and
discovered that their grandparents were alive during their childhood years,
this might be a difficult question for the parent to answer, “Why did I not
meet them” ? This could cause further animosity between children and
parents.
In cases where grandchildren are withheld from grandparents , the senior has
lived a full life and knows from experience, after they passed on, the
consequences and guilt the children might feel towards their parents.
Unfortunately, there is no reversal or playback to this scenario and if
young parents don't understand this important criteria, they might have to
live with animosity from their children, for the rest of their lives.

HONOUR OUR PARENTS.

They say, what goes around, comes around. This seems to be true when we fail
to honour our mothers and fathers. As teenagers and young adults many of us
offended our parents with things that we are sorry about later in life.
In one case, a father and teenage son was repairing a fence on Sunday after
church. The father took the opportunity to talk to the son about the facts
of life, but being shallow-minded and arrogant, the son dropped the hammer
in anger and went  with his friends.
Years later, also on a Sunday afternoon, the son suddenly understood
what the father was trying to explain and he started to cry for the deep
hurt he caused his father. When he visited his father months later to seek
forgiveness, he repeated the incident and remembering that time, the father
said, ‘ Son, you are growing up and will do well ‘.

CAUTION TO YOUNG ADULTS.

In our young family life with children, long working hours and huge bills,
we might be too busy to think of the long term consequences of our actions.
But the manner in which our consciousness and mind works for checks and
balances to keep us sincere.  It is important that we take time to understand
our actions and non-action, regarding our relationships. If this is ignored
and animosity is allowed to fester in our lives, with the other person not
around to seek forgiveness, as we get older, the consequences could result
in severe health issues.

As seniors, after our children become adults and our lives become more
stable, we are able to reflect more fully about our own life and our
relationship with others, but it might be too late to heal relationships,
when others might not be around anymore.

When we reflect as Patricia  had done to settle our relationship
with God, our family and others, little else matters.
Sometimes we have to live a full life and not until we become seniors, with
a life of experiences, that we are able to fully understand the importance
of our relationship with God and others, including our family and friends.

With Much Love.
.......................................................................................................................

A daughter's  tribute to her mother:

“Because we loved there will be tears

Because we laughed there will be memories

Because she lived there will still be joy.”