Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
usual park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath . The 80-year-old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed
any help.

He asked, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She replied, "There's a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?"

He said, "Oh yes, I'll take 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness! 5 loaves? By the time
you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it. Everybody knows about
this shit but me."

Being a Police Officer in the UK
>
>
> Question:
>
> How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an
> Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
>
> Answer:
> Pose the following question:
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> children.
> Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the
> corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife,
and
> charges.
> You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot.
> You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
> you do?
>
> BRITISH POLICE OFFICER'S Answer :
>
> Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
> Does the man look poor or oppressed?
>
> Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
>
> Could we run away?
>
> What does my wife think?
>
> What about the kids?
>
> Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
> his hand?
>
> What does the law say about this situation?
>
> Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
>
> Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
> and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
>
> Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
>
> Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound
> me?
>
> If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while
> he was stabbing me?
>
> Should I call 999?
>
> If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he
> falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
> .
>
> If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity
to
> sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
>
>
>
>
> AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S Answer:
>
> BANG!
>
> AMERICAN OFFICER'S Answer:
>
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG! 'click'....
>
> Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?'

love the rye bread one

quote:

Originally posted by bird:
Have a great weekend and doan for get to wash your batty before you go to bed,.,.,.

Like is something you does fuhget steady.

Eh heh I does have to tie a string pon me finger to remind me if not is rass to play.

quote:

Originally posted by bird:
Eh heh I does have to tie a string pon me finger to remind me if not is rass to play.

SAYYYYY WHAT? You does floss yo batty?

quote:

Originally posted by cain:

SAYYYYY WHAT? You does floss yo batty?

cain, you are too much!

PREGNANT AT 71


A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

STUD ROOSTER—don’t mess with the old rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Second Opinion! Always better especially when you consult a Doctor
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman,
' I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop
and the salesman asked,
'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head,
'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

> A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
> when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him
> a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
>
> After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder. She hands him
> another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more
> times.
>
> When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
> old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
>
> "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
> The puzzled driver asks," Why do you buy them then?"
>
>
>
> The old lady replied," We just love the chocolate around them."

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
> around in Mexico.
> While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
> platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
> smell was wonderful.
>
> He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
>
> The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
> called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
> morning. A delicacy!"
>
> The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
>
> The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
> per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
> early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
> delicacy."
>
> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
> evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After
> a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
> "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
> saw you serve yesterday."
>
> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes
> the bull wins!"